shark tank could never
Updated: Sep 17, 2020
There have occasionally been times when I've surprised myself with incredibly inspired business ideas where I think ‘wow, if only I had a killer instinct and actual business experience, this could make me RICH BEYOND MY WILDEST IMAGINATION’.
The fact that I still drive a 10 year-old car and sometimes cut my own hair has little to do with how rich I am and more to do with my complete lack of Magnate Mentality, but besides that--I have never pursued any of these brilliant-ish money-making-ish ideas.
Does that make me a fool? Perhaps. Maybe I’d be sitting in my waterfront writing retreat if I had, but here I sit at my paint-stained desk, in my broffice, staring at not-the-ocean.
Ultimately (and unapologetically), I accept that I am more of an ‘ideas person’ and less of an ‘execution’ person so all these get-rich-quick(ly) ideas have been collecting dust on my broffice floor, left unshared except during sparkling dinner conversation with my weary, eye-rolling family who just nod semi-encouragingly knowing these brilliant ideas will never actually make it out to the world at-large to have a chance of finally BEING something.
Because for a limited time ONLY (or until I stop paying my website host provider) I will share these ideas publicly for THE FIRST TIME EVER. Absolutely free. No additional purchase required!
Before we continue, though, please ask yourself: are you actually truly ready to get INSANELY rich? Because you know what they say--MO’ MONEY, MO’ PROBLEMS. Like, are you prepared to have rooms full of cash you can swim in, a-la-Scrooge-McDuck? Can you handle the inconvenience of carrying around SO many $100 bills, you will have to sit crookedly in the lamb-soft leather bucket seat of your luxury vehicle if you keep your wallet in your back pocket?
If you answered an emphatic YES to all (or some) of these questions, then prepare to have your mind blown!
Disclaimer #1: I did no research to see if any of these business ideas already exist because to be honest I reserve ALL my googling time for perusing cheap real estate like windowless brick shacks (see picture) that I dream of turning into cozy writing retreats. So, please don’t sue me if I stole your idea for someone else to steal from me.
Disclaimer #2: If you want to give me a million dollars to execute any of these ideas, I will take your money but I don’t guarantee results. OVER PROMISE: UNDER DELIVER! Is my official mission statement.
IDEA #1: BASEBALL BATTING RANGE
No, not batting ‘cage’, batting ‘range’. A spin on a traditional golf driving range but with BASEBALLS on BASEBALL TEES.
Sure, there are baseball batting ‘cages’, but no matter how hard you crack that ball, all it does is bounce off a net at the end of the cage. Talk about failure-to-launch! And yes, you can go to a baseball ‘field’ and set up a batting tee and crack a bucket of balls into the outfield. But then you have to walk ALL the way out there and collect your balls one-by-one.
No. That is FAR too much walking for a leisurely past time. Why do you think people use golf carts when they play golf?
Okay, so I don’t actually play baseball and know nothing about the actual mechanics of the game, but this would be set up similarly to a golf range, with designated spots including a batting tee, buckets of balls, dugout seating for groups, licensed table service and food including gourmet ball franks (and fries, obv), all lined up facing a BIG OPEN FIELD.
The field would be marked off to show how far you CRACKED THAT BALL. 10 meters? 30 meters? 100 meters?! (how long is a baseball field, anyway?)
Home run? They flash your picture up on the big screen and you get free swag!
Plus, one of those vacuum thingie carts would be out there, sucking up all the balls and bringing them back to the clubhouse to be washed and cleaned and put back into buckets FOR YOU.
Imagine how fun this would be for girls’ night?
Base hit? Take a shot.
Line drive? Take a shot.
EvERyBOdY TakES A ShOT*
*please drink responsibly
IDEA #2: HUMAN DETACHABLE TAIL
Okay. Hear me out.
I am sure you’re familiar with how squirrels can balance expertly on fences, how cats can teeter effortlessly on window sills and how fish can change direction with a simple flick.
What do all these scenarios have in common? TAILS.
Contrast that with the time I:
went for a walk this past winter, slipped on black ice, and wiped out
tripped over a curb, after a girls’ nite, and broke a toe
swerved off the road on my bike when I was 12 and gave myself a black-eye and possibly a concussion.
Could it just be that I’m an enormous klutz? Perhaps. But I bet I could have prevented at least two out of three of those incidents.
IF I HAD A TAIL.
Think about it. What is a number one risk for seniors? Falls.
What are seniors (and all humans) missing? A TAIL.
Enter: HUMAN DETACHABLE TAILS (HDT)These would be light-weight, customizable, and have endless applications.
Grabbing brunch with friends? Enjoy your everyday, ultra-casual HDT for some Main St. shopping after a few mimosas. (fun colours to go with any outfit)
In a recreational softball league? Your weekend-warrior-sport HDT will have you rounding the bases with the agility of a red fox.
This could be life-changing! Imagine the injury prevention, the insurance incentives, the performance enhancements. It blows my mind that this hasn’t hit mainstream sports yet.
Oh. And the brand collabs (NIKE? Call me.)
But, oh crud--I bet Elon Musk is already working on this. Frig.
ELON, LOOK AWAY. NOTHING TO SEE HERE.
IDEA #3: I’VE ACTUALLY RUN OUT OF FULLY FORMED IDEAS
But are you ready for the bonus round of half-baked ideas?
EGG GLUE: Glue scientists, please invent this, bonding properties of eggs stuck to a fork after being run through the dishwasher. Harness it. Make millions.
5 HOUR NAP: a complete rip-off from the makers of 5 HOUR ENERGY but, instead of a caffeine-sugar buzz, you just feel very refreshed. I don’t know what kind of illicit pharmaceuticals would be required to make this happen but that’s not my problem. I’m just the ideas man.
PLANT BACKPACKS: like the kind they already have for cats, with the clear part so they can look out but for your fiddle leaf or maybe a sweet pathos! Because some of us are dog people, some of us are cat people, and some of us have no horizontal surfaces left in our homes because ALL THE PLANTS.
So what do you think? Are any of these brilliant business ideas viable? What’s your vote for your favourite and why? ALSO: Who has a million dollars for me to spectacularly fail at any one of these (and re-appropriate the funds to finance my waterfront writing retreat)?
This brog (bedroom blog) was written from the broffice (bedroom office), emphasis on BED...zzz...H Please SUBSCRIBE below or add me to your RSS feed so you don't miss any of the nonsense. :-P